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How NOT to Train Your Bouvier
by Judy Singer


JudyMiloHeader.jpg (14503 bytes) click on pics for links


MOM: Milo, trick time! Wanna practice your tricks?

Milo-Bored.JPEG.jpg (31881 bytes)MILO: Sure, Mom, anything! I've been staring out this window for about two hours and I'm bored stiff! No dogs, no balls, nothin'. Tricks sound good. I wanna do the one where you throw the ball and I bring it back to you, then you throw it again, and....

MOM: No, Milo, no balls! We do the tricks *I* say.

MILO: Yeah, yeah, I know, YOU'RE in charge. She's always on a power trip, this woman.

MOM:  Ok, Milo, SIT.

MILO:  What?

MOM:  Sit.

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MOM:  Sit!

MILO:  Sip?

MOM:  SITTTT!!!!

MILO:  Did you say "sit?"

MOM:  You heard me! SIT! (Milo is still standing & staring blankly at Mom).

MILO:  I'm pretty sure you said, 'sis' Mom.

MOM:  Milo, don't play dumb! You heard me, now SIT!!!!

MILO:  Are you sure you MEAN, "sit," Mom? You might really mean...

MOM: Sound02.gif (990 bytes)   SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT, SITTTT!!!!

MILO:  You don't have to yell, Mom, I heard you the first time. Besides, you know, you're only supposed to say it once. (Milo sits). Now, where's my cookie?

MOM:  Milo, you're supposed to by motivated by my praise!

MILO:  Praise? Do you really believe that?

Mom gives in and goes into the kitchen and brings back a handful of cookies.

MILO:  That's more like it. Now, what else can I do for the cookies....er, I mean, for you, Mom?

Milo proceeds to do "down" "backup" "turn around" "jump" and 30 other tricks he knows very well, in rapid succession. Milo gets lots of cookies.

MOM: OK, now let's try the tricks outside. Remember, keep your focus on me.

They go outside to the sidewalk. Milo is on-leash.

MOM:  OK, Milo, sit.

Milo reluctantly and gingerly sits, while at the same time, turning his head to make sure he doesn't miss anything "important" going on around him.

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MOM:  Milo, pay attention!  Give me your paw! (Milo's body is facing Mom, but his head is turned backwards).

MOM: Milo, look at me! You're supposed to pay attention to me, me, me!!!

MILO:  I can't, Mom. There's a dog coming.

MOM:  There's NO dog coming, Milo. Anyway, the point of being out here is so you can learn to ignore the distractions! Now, look at me!!

MILO:  But, there COULD be a dog, Mom, any minute now, I just know it!

MOM: THERE'S NO DOG, MILO!! There's NO dog now and there WILL be no dog later! THERE'S ONLY ME!! ONLY, ONLY ME!!! Now, LOOK AT ME!!

Mom grabs Milo's head and turns it towards her so she's nose to nose with him. Milo is now facing forward because she's holding his face, but he's trying so hard to look back, his eyes have disappeared into his head. Only the whites of his eyeballs are showing.

MOM: Milo, LOOK!!!  AT!!!  ME!!!

Just then, Daisy, his favorite doggy girlfriend, comes strolling around the corner.   Milo jumps up, and proceeds to drag mom (who has absolutely no control) down the street to greet her.

MILO:  YAY!! IT'S DAISY!!! TRICK TIME'S OVER, MOM!!!

MOM:  I guess it is, Milo....


Next week's Milo Story: "Milo Enrolls in Obedience Class"

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